WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
