I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
