Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
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