this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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