The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
