Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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