I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
