I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
