Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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