can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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