I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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