I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You made out with two different species that night
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
