I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
