and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
