Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
