I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
