Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
