I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
