I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
