Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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