I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
