he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
