No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
