I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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