Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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