THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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