I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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