I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
