I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
