i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
