I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
