My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
