my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
