my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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