There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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