He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
