apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
