just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
