Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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