I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We need to get me chipped asap
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