Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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