So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
