oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
