The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
