I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
