my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
