I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
