Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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