Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
