i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
