I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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