Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
