what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
